This is my journey…
As a teenage girl, I had a goal. I had planned on wearing a white wedding dress on my wedding day as a symbol of marrying my one true love and living my life happily ever after. Needless to say that is not how it worked out. I have been married four times and I’m currently in the process of getting my fourth divorce. I am not proud of the fact that I have had four failed marriages. No one plans to get married and divorced one time, let alone four times. I can’t claim to have been the perfect wife in any of my marriages but I can say that I truly tried in three of them. Obviously my relationship picker is broken.
I married the first time when I was 17 years old. I became a mother of two beautiful kids in this marriage. My husband was good to me and to our son and daughter. However, I was young and didn’t know how to deal with certain situations that presented themselves, so three years later I chose to end marriage number one.
I was blessed with my youngest daughter when I got with my second husband. Actually, she was born a few years before the marriage. She was the only positive thing that came out of this relationship! Seven years later I realized that I didn’t deserve to be cheated on, physically and mentally abused or to be in such financial distress. I can’t count how many times husband number two would quit a job and leave us looking for a new place to call home because we were being evicted. I wanted better for my kids and myself, so again I divorced.
A few years later, I married the love of my life. He truly was the love of my life, but he was a recovering alcoholic. Eventually, he was no longer recovering. He fell off the wagon, and never got back on. We were married for almost 7 years. I loved him with my whole being, I just didn’t love when he was drunk-which was often.
Seven years in, my youngest daughter got pregnant. I decided right then and there that my grandchildren would never go through what my children did. My grandchildren would never see their Grammy cry over a man. I wanted to be a place of love and safety for my grand babies. That is when I chose to leave this marriage, even though I still loved this man with my whole heart. I divorced him in 2007.
I spent the next 10 years single. I dated here and there but would never allow it to become serious. Then in 2016 I started talking long distance to a guy I knew from high school. A few months later he moved to Kansas and moved in with me. Eleven months later we were married. He broke down the walls I had built up over the previous 10 years. I truly thought I had finally found the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But…It didn’t take long to figure out that our entire relationship was based on lies. I’ll get more int that in my later posts so be sure to come back! I also figured out that I was married to an addict. A meth addict to be exact! This hit home for me on several levels. Again we will get into that later. I stayed for 7 years and then just last week, I filed for a divorce. He should be getting served divorce papers next week.
One thing I’ve realized is you can tell yourself over and over, that if you just love them enough, they will stop using. That is complete nonsense! You are fooling yourself if you believe that shit! You will never love an addict enough for them to quit. The addict, whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling or whatever has to stop for themselves and no one else. When you realize this is their issue and you can’t fix them, you can finally find your freedom.
I finally realized this. I’m now on my journey find me again. I’m in the process of finding happiness. I hope that you will follow along as I put my story into words. This is my healing chapter, so come be a part of my healing process. My hopes in starting this blog, is that maybe I can help one other person if not many by sharing my story. It’s not okay to be happy, it’s mandatory! So, Live your best life, it’s the only one you get!
My newest blog posts are listed below. But in order to start from the beginning, go to my previous posts section at the top of the page.
Check out my previous post, on the Previous Posts section. Duhhhh ! Lol